Steve Ater, Psy.D. – The Boundary Doc

We can differentiate between three broad categories of boundaries: Static, Dynamic and Strategic. These boundary types differ in their degree of adaptiveness to changing circumstances in the environment. Let’s look at each in turn.

• Static boundaries don’t change in response the environment in such a way as to improve the protective function of the boundary. Consider the way an island’s wildlife might be protected from predators on the mainland by being surrounded by water and may therefore thrive on that island environment. At least until one of those predators finds its way onto the island somehow, then, quite suddenly, the boundary serves the predator and prevents escape of the island’s tasty residents.

• Dynamic boundaries change in response to environmental stimuli in a way that serves to improve their protective function. This change generally occurs in response to genetic or other automatized programming. The boundary adapts to a specific stimulus, but in a programmed way. A while ago my family adopted a dog from the shelter. He was a handsome young fella named Buck, mostly Yellow Lab, but apparently at least partly Golden Retriever based on having a longer, softer coat than most labs. Then we got him home and he started spending most of his time inside. All that long, soft hair that I thought meant he was part Golden Retriever came off the dog and attached itself to our carpet, which then looked like IT was part Golden Retriever. We knew that this dog had been picked up by animal control as a stray over the winter, so I realized that he had just grown a more protective, shaggier coat during a period of having to adapt to a colder environment. This was a Dynamic Boundary in action, he was adapted to the cold outdoors environment, but when he became an inside dog his protective boundary, fur, dynamically adjusted to the new situation. But Buck didn’t choose this change, it was a natural and programmed response to the environment.

A picture of Buck, enhanced by one of my daughters.

On this blog, when I talk about people just unthinkingly repeating boundary patterns that they learned during their developmental years or reacting against those boundary patterns out of anger and rebelliousness, I’m talking about people employing Static and Dynamic Boundaries.

Repeating old, learned boundary patterns tends to be an engagement in a Static Boundary pattern – they are what they are and they do what they do that’s pretty much that. There tends to be a great deal of rigidity in the expression of their boundary patterns such that they don’t change much at all and there is also a very limited range of expression in these boundary patterns.

Not infrequently, this can progress to the level of expressing Dynamic Boundaries such that they change reflexively based on external cues. For example, the way someone who has been harshly punished or abused as a child may cower and withdraw as an adult when someone raises their voice.

Boundaries that exist as an emotionally driven reaction against previously learned boundary patterns also tend to be Dynamic Boundaries in that they may change or be expressed differently in different circumstances, but this is usually automated and pre-programmed behavior that occurs when an external event triggers certain emotions. In this way it is similar to the example in the last paragraph, but opposite in expression. So that same person who was harshly punished or abused as a child may, as an adult have the initial instinct to cower and withdraw when someone raises their voice, but reacts instead with angry lashing out.

In both of these examples, one of the tools to escape their often maladaptive and unhelpful response (cowering or lashing out) is development of the skills of Strategic Boundaries…

• Strategic Boundaries change as circumstances in the environment change, as do Dynamic Boundaries, but unlike Dynamic Boundaries, Strategic Boundaries are consciously adapted and altered to improve the protective function of the boundary in various situations of unpredictable complexity. On a football team the offensive line serves as a boundary to protect the quarterback. The members of the offensive line can adapt their positions and movements to maximize their protective effectiveness (keep the defense away from the quarterback). These adaptations are made in response to what the defensive players are doing now, have done in the past, or appear to be about to do. Strategic boundaries are very powerful and are the most functional of these three types because they can be effective in a variety of circumstances, including circumstances that have never been seen before. Strategic boundaries require a level of conscious intelligence that static and dynamic boundaries do not. Imagine if, when we brought Buck home from the animal shelter he looked around and said, “phew, it’s warm in here!” peeled off his fuzzy, yellow coat like a London Fog trench and hung it on a hanger in the closet. That would be some impressive Strategic Boundary management and also would have really freaked us out because Buck was quite the slob and he would never have hung his coat up without being told to, he would have just thrown it on the floor.

In this video a bear surprises the crew of a commercial shoot and demonstrates an impressive Strategic Boundary.

The Human Boundaries Model is about developing the knowledge, skills and tools of Strategic Boundaries. That is why the three steps of boundary placement; “Know, Set, Defend” are so important. These steps are what it takes to understand what boundary is appropriate for this situation, how to get that boundary in place so that it serves it’s protective function well, and how to keep it there in the face of resistance as long as it seems the most appropriate way to maintain it’s protective function.

Strategic Boundary skills allow more positive, more effective and more adaptive coping while maintaining the essential protective function. For example, take those two adults in the previous illustrations. Both of them were harshly punished or abused as children, one of them, when someone else raises their voice, tends to react with a cowering fearful kind of self-protection, and the other with an angry lashing out kind of self-protection. Both can use Strategic Boundary skills and knowledge to maintain the necessary self-protection while adapting their boundary behavior to the demands of the actual circumstance in the present moment. Accomplishing this improves relational functioning, increases self-efficacy and self-confidence and provides the tools these individuals need to continue adapting their boundary responses in other circumstances and situations. All the while increasing their confidence that personal safety, autonomy and development of their individual identity can be maintained in these varying circumstances.

Strategic Boundaries are intelligently and consciously chosen and are placed dynamically, adaptively and confidently. They are the most effective and functional of the three types of boundaries described here – Static, Dynamic and Strategic – and humans have a high capacity for making use of these Strategic Boundaries. The Human Boundaries Model discussed in this blog is intended to provide the knowledge and skills to maximize Strategic Boundary use in all the varied circumstances of our lives.

Steve Ater, Psy.D.
The Boundary Doc

A patient told me this week that he ran across a comment on another blog that “boundaries are bad.” He said he argued that he thought boundaries were good.

I take a slightly different position.

Boundaries Are.

They are neither good nor bad in themselves. Everyone has boundaries. Boundaries are just containers. It is how we use them that makes them good or bad, beneficial or harmful, helpful or unhelpful.

Steve Ater, Psy.D.
The Boundary Doc

Here’s a quote attributed to George Washington. What does this quote tell us about his boundaries with regard to relationships?

“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.”

George Washington (1732 – 1799)

The fifth of the Five Boundary Variables is…

PERMEABILITY

Boundary permeability allows shifting from a previous boundary level to a new boundary level. For example, Permeability in boundaries is what allows one person to come into a closer relationship with someone else than they were previously. Usually this change is based on development of trust.

Of course, it works both ways, if you once were friends with someone, but had to make the decision that this friendship was incompatible with you having a strong sense of self and moving forward in your life consistent with your goals and personal values, you may have had to move the relationship back to a safer distance, or even have left it all together. Your boundary Permeability is what allowed you to make that change.

Permeability, then, allows for relationships to change from one boundary level to a new one, essentially changing the nature of the relationship itself.

Here’s a nice visualization of Permeability. In this short clip (less than two minutes) from Peter Jackson’s third film of his Lord of the Rings Trilogy, The Return of the King, we see Gandalf riding into and through the city of Minas Tirith.

You can see that Gandalf has to enter through an outer gate and then work his way up level after level to get to the heart of the city. Each level is clearly visible with separate entrances and high walls dividing it from the level below and above.

Because he is allowed free passage, Gandalf is able to move freely from one level to a deeper level relatively easily. An enemy, as you can see, would have a much harder time. To conquer Minas Tirith enemy forces would face barrier after barrier, boundary after boundary. The different levels are “Permeable” by Gandalf because he is trusted. Enemies, however, are not trusted and would be forced to stop at each new boundary level.

In relationships, Permeability allows a trusted person closer and closer access to the “heart” of the person setting the boundaries. However, the reverse is also a function of Permeability – in these cases Permeability allows a person to revoke deeper access someone previously was given and moves them to a more distant relational boundary level.

I call it Inward Permeability when increased access is permitted and Outward Permeability when less access is permitted.

These changes in access have both benefits and risks. It is good to consider these benefits and risks in each case and both actively and consciously choose what we will do. This act of consciously choosing our boundaries is a part of the development of Boundary Consciousness that is essential to effectively applying the Human Boundaries model. It is something you will hear me talk about often.

Under what circumstances might we revoke access to the deeper levels in our lives that someone once was permitted to access? Breaches of trust; repeated, persistent Boundary Trespasses; Boundary Violations – when these things occur it is sometimes necessary to use the boundary quality of Permeability to move their access back to a safer level. Call it “assured clear distance.”

There are many people who find themselves repeatedly getting into relationships in which relational access to the “deeper levels” is given freely, but other persons repeatedly take advantage or cause avoidable harm. However, they may feel unable to alter or revoke that deeper access. Others struggle because trust is very difficult for them to give, they have been hurt too deeply or too often, and fear prevents them from allowing deeper access, even in cases where they desperately want to allow that access. In both of these types of cases it is the quality of boundary Permeability and the tools to make effective use of it that these individuals need to develop. Once they have those skills and can apply them, they will experience more mutually fulfilling relationships and an increased sense of personal safety in all relationships.

In this video some people are driving by the aftermath of a chain reaction accident and making video of what they see.

Towards the end of the video the driver points to the car at the front of the line of cars involved in the accident and says “and it’s all this guys fault, this guy that slammed on the brakes. You, you sir should be ashamed of yourself.”

Is it his fault? Should he be ashamed of himself?

Almost certainly the driver slammed on his brakes, but why? Did he have a seizure? Did a child run out in front of his car? What if he just saw a red, rubber ball roll across the road in front of him?

Or does each driver have a responsibility to maintain assured clear distance from the car in front?

Do we have a responsibility to maintain some degree of assured clear distance in our relationships?

On the other hand, look at these guys…

That’s scary tight. There’s no assured clear distance here. One mistake and they’re all toast. What makes these crazy pilots do such a thing?

Trust.

Trust that took a lot of time and a lot of effort by all involved to develop. The healthiest relationships have that kind of trust.

*****

Without Outward Boundary Permeability we’ll find ourselves crunched like the cars in the accident video.

Without Inward Boundary Permeability and a willingness to take some relational risk, the level of trust seen in the jet formation video can never develop.

*****

Which change would make your life and your relationships more stable and satisfying? Would you benefit more from increasing your Inward Permeability or your Outward Permeability?

Steve Ater, Psy.D.
The Boundary Doc

I know, I know, I said I was going to post all five of these last week, one each day. Reality intervened. I have received literally thousands* of emails complaining about this lapse, begging me to get back in the game. Message received America, here is the fourth post in “The Five Essential Boundary Variables” series.

The fourth of the Five Boundary Variables is…

ELASTICITY

Elasticity refers to the degree of flexibility in a boundary where the flexibility represents an exception to a boundary rule. This can be visualized as a “bend” in the boundary, which returns to the original shape after the need for the exception is passed (e.g. “I don’t usually kiss on a first date, buuuut…”).

Elasticity is the quality that allows a boundary to temporarily change its shape. But that change requires a force to be accomplished and continuous ongoing force to be maintained. In other words, making an exception to a boundary creates stress, a kind of cognitive dissonance in which internal guidelines are not matching behavior in the moment.

This change in the boundary’s elasticity may be the right thing to do or it may not, but either way it creates stress. Boundaries that have too much elasticity may be so flexible they cease to have meaning, but boundaries with too little elasticity may be brittle and shatter under pressure. For example, a person with Autism may have many boundaries that cannot bend without breaking, resulting in a strong emotional outburst. This makes routine very important for these persons.

In the picture below, Elasticity is illustrated in the behavior of a tennis racket striking a tennis ball.

In this picture you can see where both the ball and the racket are bending under the force. This bend both prevents the racket from breaking under the pressure and allows the tennis player to apply control to the ball. When the ball leaves the racket, both ball and racket return to their original shape.

Finding the right balance between the high and low extremes of Elasticity is key. Too little Elasticity (i.e. too rigid) and you cannot adapt to changing circumstances. Too much Elasticity (i.e. endlessly flexible) and you become exhausted and taken advantage of.

In the video below, two young men test the elasticity of a large rubber balloon filled with water to hilarious results (Watch it in HD).

Since Elasticity represents a sort of temporary exception to a boundary rule and requires ongoing effort and stress-tolerance to maintain, it is not suitable as a permanent situation. It is instead best used situationally, as a prelude to a more permanent type of change.

To accomplish this permanent change we make use of the next Boundary Variable, Permeability. In general, Elasticity precedes Permeability

This process of Elasticity (temporary boundary change) preceding Permeability (permanent boundary change) in interpersonal relationships describes a sort of relational “try-out” in which the making of an exception to a boundary (Elasticity) could be employed as a test designed to determine if the other person can be trusted in a more permanent situation with deeper access (Permeability).

If the exception is judged to have gone well the quality of Permeability allows the relationship itself to change and a new boundary or set of boundaries will apply.

We’ll discuss Permeability in more detail next time…

Steven Ater, Psy.D.
The Boundary Doc

In case you didn’t make the connection, this represents your spouse or another person close to you when you have boundary expectations but they don’t know what those expectations are until they run into them.

I think we could all use a little more Clarity in our boundaries because we don’t feel comfortable telling others what we expect. It’s easier, in the short term, to just let them run into the boundary. But in the long term this creates confusion, a lack of safety and confidence in the relationship, and unnecessary conflict.

Another reason we may lack sufficient Clarity is that we often don’t know what our own boundaries are until someone trespasses or violates them. We are as surprised as they are by our own defensive reaction. This is why it is so important to develop Boundary Consciousness – awareness of our own boundaries and those of others.

Steven Ater, Psy.D.
The Boundary Doc

Today we’re continuing our discussion of the Five Essential Boundary Variables. So far we’ve covered the first, Area, and the second, Width.

The third of the Five Boundary Variables is…

CLARITY

A boundary with high Clarity is hard to miss. One generally knows it’s there before they run into it. A boundary with low Clarity may go unnoticed until you’re in it.

The boundary between the atmosphere and outer space has low Clarity; you cannot see it and an astronaut may not know it is there until they are crossing it (when they would feel the change). The boundary between the states of Mississippi and Arkansas is the Mississippi River, a boundary with such high Clarity that it is rather hard to miss.

Ever walk into a patio door you didn’t know was closed? Both painful and embarrassing in one ill considered moment. “It’s two, two lessons of humility in one!” (Not that I have ever experienced this myself, but I have heard of it happening to, uh, other people.)

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Quick, Is the patio door in this picture open or closed?

…Bet you had to look twice – that’s because the patio door has low Clarity.

In relationships, boundary Clarity refers to how easily another person can become aware of your your relational boundaries. For example, if I have that bad sunburn I talked about in yesterday’s discussion of boundary Width, I’m also probably going to set a very clear and unmistakable boundary to help make sure other people know that slapping me on the shoulder is going to hurt. So when I say, “TOUCH MY SHOULDERS AND I KEEL YOU!” I am increasing boundary Clarity in order to decrease the likelihood my boundary will be accidentally crossed.

Where boundary Width makes a boundary difficult to cross, boundary Clarity allows other people know where that boundary is so they can (hopefully) choose on their own not to cross it – no further defense necessary.

Clarity and Width have some similarities, but it is easily possible to have one without the other. For example, a war Veteran with Posttrumatic Stress Disorder may choose to move into a cabin far up in the mountains so that others are not likely to wander into his world (this is an example of high boundary Width, as discussed yesterday). However, he may or may not clearly post signs on the boundaries of his property to make it very clear to others that “Trespassers will be shot,” which would increase the Clarity of the same boundary. If I’m hiking in those mountains and happen to run across this person’s property, I am very grateful for the signs warning me of the consequences of trespassing.

Whatever your boundary, Clarity is what allows others to know what to expect from you and how you would like them to show respect to you.

Steven Ater, Psy.D.
The Boundary Doc

Next up…

Boundary “ELASTICITY”

The second of the Five Boundary Variables is…

WIDTH

Boundary Width defines the distance between the outer edge of the boundary and the inner edge of the boundary.

We employ boundaries with extra Width when the thing being protected by the boundary is considered particularly vulnerable. A wide boundary creates a “buffer zone” which serves several useful purposes…

• A wide boundary is difficult for things outside the boundary to cross, or at a minimum it takes longer

• This makes it easier for the boundary setter to become aware of attempts to cross it BEFORE it is fully crossed.

• Therefore, it provides extra opportunities for the boundary setter to defend the boundary.

While a wide boundary can be very useful, even necessary in some circumstances, a boundary that is wider than it needs to be is wasteful. Like a boundary high in Area, a wide boundary requires considerably more effort to construct, maintain, and supervise.

Boundaries created with a very high Width are often fear-driven, this is true whether we are talking about relational boundaries, internal psychological boundaries, or physical, real-world boundaries. This is why the pictures and real-world examples of high-width boundaries in this post tend to involve examples defensive preparations for war.

Like this picture…

The Great Wall of China is a fairly wide boundary.

And this one…

The high cliffs around this castle in Italy count as boundary Width,
it just happens to be vertical Width!

Turning this discussion from real-world physical boundaries to Human Boundaries, consider these two examples of people showing signs of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.

A severely traumatized veteran of war who returns home may choose to build a cabin far up in the mountains where he will not be bothered by other people or by the many stimuli in the environment that could trigger flashbacks and re-experiencing of war trauma. He will intentionally build this cabin as far from other people, cities, roads, etc. as possible. This boundary may serve, in the Veteran’s mind, to protect other people from him as much to protect him from other people. In this case, the distance placed between his cabin and other people serves as boundary Width, a buffer zone protecting him from pain.

Similarly, if an individual was in the past sexually abused they may develop a boundary of such width that it may not be just sexually tinged behavior that triggers spirited defense of the boundary, but any close physical approach at all that may result in sudden and intense boundary defense (e.g. physically pulling away or lashing out in anger at the boundary trespasser).

Here is a more everyday example.Let’s say that you go to the beach on a Saturday and get a really bad sunburn. Then go to a party that evening with all your friends. You are quite likely to be carefully scanning the space around you for anyone who comes within arms reach for fear that you’ll get the dreaded “backslap” of greeting. You will be careful to keep a safe distance between you and the more “demonstratively affectionate” of your friends.

That scanning of the space nearby and the careful maintenance of a “buffer zone” between your tender shoulders and certain other people is an example of a boundary with Width. You don’t want anyone to be easily able to get across this boundary without you knowing they’re coming and having opportunity to apply an appropriate boundary defense – probably raising your hands toward them, extending your arms and shouting, “TOUCH MY SHOULDERS AND I KEEL YOU!”

A wide boundary then serves as a cushion designed to protect an internal area of extreme sensitivity or vulnerability or to protect against external threats perceived as very dangerous.

A narrow boundary is a sign that you feel relatively safe and do not need the extra protection in this circumstance.

Steven Ater, Psy.D.
The Boundary Doc

Next up…
Boundary “CLARITY”

I’ll be posting this topic, The Five Essential Boundary Variables, as five different posts, one a day for five days. Keep coming back for more!

As I worked to develop the Human Boundaries Model I wanted to begin with a question, ‘what is a boundary really?’ I wanted to understand and describe the qualities and characteristics of a boundary, any boundary, whether a physical one, such as a fence or wall, or a theoretical one, such as the boundary between two persons’ identities.

The Five Boundary Variables were among the first concepts to result from my attempts to answer that question.

These variables are qualities that describe a boundary itself, they do not describe the boundary’s purpose, they have nothing to do with what is on one side or the other of the boundary and they apply whether we are talking about a physical boundary or theoretical one. These variables describe essential characteristics of the boundary and provide useful information assessing the effectiveness or appropriateness of a boundary for a given situation.

So, let’s get on with it.

The first of the Five Boundary Variables is…

AREA

The Area of a boundary describes its overall size. It tells you how much “stuff” is contained within the boundary.

For example, if the boundary is a chain link fence around a yard, the Area describes the size of that yard. A big yard has a larger area, a small yard has a smaller area. There is nothing wrong with either a small or a big yard, but a big yard with a lot of fence around it will require considerably more attention and maintenance than the small yard will. On the other hand, a small yard can be constricting, there’s less you can do in a smaller yard. The home buyer picks the house with the yard that is the right size for his needs and desires.